Thursday, September 20, 2012

Scene of From Halvmane's Shore

This Friday fantasy scene could be considered fiction, since it's only a dialogue. I'm behind on a rewrite of my book, so I wrote a scene I needed to instead of one that perhaps would have stood better on its own. So sue me. Without further adieu:

"You should return home," Andren said. "Your wife surely has need of you."

Ivar paled. "I won't disobey your brother, sir. I'll stay with you until your trip is over."

"But I have no idea when that will be. I've decided to go on the Wandering."

Ivar seemed for a moment to be on the verge of yelling before he got control over himself. "Then I must go with you. It's better for my wife for me to be gone however many months than for me to anger the king."

"Alrik is not my nursemaid to tie an attendant to me. I let you come this far so as not to put you in a hard spot with him, even though I wanted solitude to quiet my thoughts."

"I'm sorry to have been such an inconvenience. It wasn't my choice to be your attendant on this last-minute trip, one without a point, when I have a pregnant wife at home."

Andren ground his teeth. Ivar was obviously loyal to a fault, and he would get nowhere in further debate.

"Sir, what I said was out of turn."

"No, you're right. I'm sorry to have been such an inconvenience to you." Andren turned and stalked toward the room he was staying in. He would pack his things and leave while Ivar was distracted elsewhere. He would continue his trip, alone.

What do you think? Does it make sense without context?

3 comments:

  1. Hi there, just hopping over from the Follow-Swap Blog Hop. Firstly thanks for joining in, and if you're tweeting your involvement, @ me (@katherineamabel) and I'll RT you. :) I'll be honest I didn't get this until a second read (although it is 3am). When I did read it again I noticed one head-hoppy phrase I'm guilty of myself: seemed on the verge of. Unless we show what made them seem on the verge of something then it's almost a head-hop. Also there's a little bit of telling: the room he was staying in. Why wouldn't he just think 'his room?' Nice layers of conflict though, and cool idea to be posting a weekly bit of writing.
    Kat :)

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    1. Thanks for the feedback! I don't have a twitter account, thanks.

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  2. nice undercurrent of conflict, love the stubborness

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