Thursday, January 3, 2013

Magic Zit Remover

If you were here last week you know I had trouble figuring out inspiration for my Friday Fantasy Vignettes. Thank you for all the suggestions! What I'd been forgetting during my struggle was that a long time ago, my father in law gave me a book called The Write-Brain Workbook, which contains 366 writing exercises. I'd done several of them, but then moved, and forgot about it.

So now I'll be picking that back up, using it to inspire my short scenes, and posting the exercise so that you can all try them out, too, if you like. And if you do, you can submit your exercise for critique here on my blog. I don't mind if you don't plan on getting such a small thing published, it's helpful to you to get feedback on any of your writing, to gain incites into mistakes you're more likely to make. And it's helpful to me to have more content on my blog and to give my editing skills more practice.

Finish this story: She adjusted his tie...

She adjusted his tie and gave Rick a stern look. "Remember. No funny business."

He nodded, warmth flooding his cheeks. It was his big brother's wedding today, so he had to be there. People would talk if he weren't.

She ruffled his hair and went into the room where everyone who would take part in the ceremony except the bride and a few bridesmaids had gathered. He glanced at the sanctuary doors and decided he didn't feel like joining the throng sitting uncomfortably in the pews just yet. He loosened his tie back to how he'd had it, stuck his hands in his pockets, and started walking down the deserted hallway.

He heard activity in a room ahead. As he approached, he heard, "Here, try this."

"It's hopeless. I look stupid."

"Try popping it."

"That would make it worse."

"Try shrinking it with ice."

The door was ajar. Rick leaned close, trying to see what the fuss was about, and accidentally bumped it. It swung inward, creaking in protest.

Suddenly four pairs of eyes were on him, three of them belonging to the missing bridesmaids and the last one looking at him from the bride in the mirror. She had red streaks down her face, and an angry red pimple on the end of her nose.

"No seeing the bride," said the maid of honor with a step toward him.

"It's fine. He's already seen." The bride slumped, covering her face with her hands. The bridesmaids shrugged and gathered around a table spread with various tubes of liquids, deliberating. Rick wondered what he was supposed to do. She'd given him permission to stay, but he had nothing to do here.

Except...he took a step forward. The funny business his mother had warned him against was magic, which he'd discovered recently he could use. He didn't have a whole lot of control of it, yet, and had made some strange things happen. But she looked so distraught, what could it hurt?

He pointed at her zit, and willed it to turn into healthy, smooth skin. Before his eyes, the welt lost its color and shrunk down to almost nothing. He cut the power, before something went wrong. But now how to explain it?

He snatched a random tube off the table, to a chorus of, "Hey!" squirted a little out on his finger, and touched the bride's nose.

"There."

"That's lip gloss! That's not going to do anything!"

The bride put her hands down, and her eyes widened when they met her mirror image. "Look!"

They all looked and saw that the problem was resolved, if her nose was a little shiny. When their eyes turned to Rick he shrugged and said, "It wasn't that bad." Then he left the room before they could ask him questions.

"Thank you!" the bride called after him. He grinned.

_

Oh, and a big thank-you to Matt of QQQE for critiquing the query I've cobbled together for my WIP. Find out what he has to say here.

3 comments:

  1. This was REALLY cute, Laura. I liked it a lot. I think, in the very beginning, I'd have put something about the mom in there, just to really let us know who was speaking in the opening scene. Maybe something like:
    She adjusted his tie and gave Rick a stern look. "Remember. No funny business." He nodded, warmth flooding his cheeks. "I know, Mom."

    Also, there were a few small parts where the wording got a little awkward. IE: She ruffled his hair and went into the room where everyone who would take part in the ceremony except the bride and a few bridesmaids had gathered.

    In that section, it seems to read smoother if you switched it around a bit. IE:
    She nodded and went into the large room where everyone had gathered for the ceremony. The only people still missing were the bride and a few bridesmaids.

    Also:
    He glanced at the sanctuary doors and decided he didn't feel like joining the throng sitting uncomfortably in the pews just yet.

    That might be a bit smoother if you cut it to something like:
    He glanced at the sanctuary doors and decided he wasn't ready to join the throng of people sitting in the uncomfortable pews.

    And lastly:Suddenly four pairs of eyes were on him, three of them belonging to the missing bridesmaids and the last one looking at him from the bride in the mirror

    That felt like it might read better as something like:Suddenly four pairs of eyes were on him. Three belonged to the missing bridesmaids and the last to the bride herself.

    Anyway, of course those are just suggestions and it was all super minor stuff. I really liked what you did with the prompt. Great job! :) Sorry for the crazy long comment!! haha

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  2. Thanks for all the input! I really do tend to have awkward wording when I'm just jotting things down.

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  3. We all do!! And I can go over a scene a thousand times but, unless I read it out loud, I miss every case of awkwardness. SO much easier to see in other people's writing than in my own. haha

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